Today's New York Post has an Xclusive excerpt from the new book, The Amateur: Barack Obama in the White House, written by renowned journamalist Edward Klein. Klein, who is best known for being the most important reporter to misspell the names of people he claims to know a lot about, writes in his new book that Oprah Winfrey has some freaky mind-meld (Shining?) going on with President Obama's mind and therefore the direction of the country, and that Michelle is pissed. Here are the five portions from the excerpt that likely made the book's team of capuchin monkey copyeditors howl with glee.

On Oprah's control over Barack Obama:

I asked a White House insider to explain Michelle’s animus toward Oprah. “Michelle is furious that her husband makes late-night calls to Oprah, seeking ideas on how to improve his sinking popularity,” the source told me. “Michelle thinks he should turn to her, not Oprah, for that kind of advice."

Secretary of Defense Bill Gates: Mr. President, we need a decision. Do we take [Osama bin Laden] out or not?
Admiral Mike Mullen: We're running out of time, Mr. President. We have to brief our tactical commanders on the—
President Obama: Wait a sec, Mike. (Yells to staff) Could someone wheel my TiVo in here? I want to rewatch something Oprah was saying last Wednesday.
Gates: Mr. President, I, uh, sir, we—
Obama: Better yet, get Oprah on the phone.
Chief Of Staff Bill Daley: Sir, I received your BBM a few minutes ago—Oprah is unavailable at the moment. But we can patch you into the ladies from The View.
Obama: Damn. OK. Put them on the big screen.

But it's not just important policy decisions Oprah's making:

Among other things, Oprah had a plan to redecorate the Lincoln bedroom. She also had ideas about how Michelle could put more zing into White House social events.

Obama: What do you think of this tie? I'm not so sure.
Michelle: I think it looks sharp, honey. Just wear it.
Obama: Better call Oprah to be sure.
Michelle: Now Barack, remember what the therapist said.
Obama: You're right, you're right. A book club is just that: a book club. I need to be making my own decisions. But what if I just texted her a photo of the tie? I wonder where she is right now, I bet—
Michelle: DAMMIT, BARACK
Oprah: (Stepping out of closet) Actually, I'm right here and I think it looks boring. Here, use Stedman's ascot.

On Oprah scoring an interview:

“It was a pain as far as Oprah was concerned,” said a high-ranking executive of Harpo Studios, Oprah’s production company. “Oprah isn’t a snob, but she doesn’t like having to put up with mid-level clerks. These guys were $75,000-a-year men. Oprah was like, ‘Hello, what is this s--t!’

Yeah! Who does he think he is, the President of the United States?

File this one under "Things Oprah never said":

According to sources, Oprah told Gayle King that she felt like getting Michelle on the phone and really letting her have it. Oprah raged: “Michelle hates fat people and doesn’t want me waddling around the White House!”

And oddly enough for the wife of a known "redistributionist," SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER THEM ANY WHITE HOUSE PIE

And oddly enough, Michelle mentioned that the White House cooks made the best pie in the world. But she didn’t offer Oprah or Gayle any . . .

So, maybe Michelle should be Romney's VP? "Romney/Obama 2012: No Free Rides, No Free Pies."