Arts Beat has the scoop on the craaaazy story of actress Thora Birch, her ex-porn star dad, and an Off Broadway production of Draculathat Birch was supposed to appear in, starting tonight. But on Friday the producers fired her and asked her to leave the building; her agent later said that the director, Paul Alexander, "felt he was not getting the performance that he wanted from Thora." But Alexander says it was Thora's father Jack Birch, a former porn actor, who is to blame for the firing, because he allegedly threatened another actor in the production.

Jack Birch was on hand throughout the rehearsal process, ostensibly to serve as the bodyguard which producers were contractually required to provide for Thora. Last week Jack approached one of the actors after a rehearsal and told him to stop rubbing his daughter's back during a scene. And when the unidentified actor tried to explain his motivation, Birch allegedly said, "Listen, man, I’m trying to make this easier on you - don’t touch her." According to Alexander, the actor took that as a threat.

But Jack Birch insists, "I was trying to convey Thora’s discomfort. In no way was I making a threat... She was a little uncomfortable on stage because an actor kept rubbing her back." His daughter says she was "blindsided" by the firing, adding, "I’m totally in a state of shock over this, I still can’t believe it."

Alexander seems relieved the Birches are off his back; during rehearsal on Thursday he noticed Jack Birch "peering through a window that was part of a library set while a scene with Ms. Birch was underway." Alexander tells Arts Beat, "I couldn’t believe my eyes and turned to a crew member and said, 'Is that Jack Birch looking through the window at Thora?' " Jack Birch explained that he had simply been backstage examining "a loose, very wobbly platform that Thora and others had to walk across." This is what you get for trying to be the hero, Jack. His daughter has been replaced by understudy Emily Bridges, daughter of Beau Bridges, who hasn't done porn and isn't expected to give other actors notes on their performances.

Well, this is just as good an excuse as any to watch Jason Segel's Dracula song from Forgetting Sarah Marshall again: