Do you know where your children are right now? They could be doing their homework, or petting a pit bull, or tethering lil' Scraps to a post for more than three hours, or doing a bunch of other stuff that Queens councilman Peter Vallone hates. But did you know that your children could ALSO be using "fat caps" to take their noxious graffiti to new, chubbier heights? Not if—you guessed it—Peter Vallone has anything to say about it! A bill proposed by Vallone would ban a device that graffiti artists put on spray paint cans to "tag wider areas in less time," The Daily News reports.

Vallone's bill would "ban the sale of fat caps to anyone under 21 and require older patrons to show ID." One business owner said he's in favor of the bill, because of the speed his property is defaced thanks to the accessory: "They'll walk up—boom, boom, boom,—and they're done in four seconds and they're gone." But graffiti advocates like the founder of the 5Pointz collective, Jonathan Cohen, thinks it's "ridiculous. They might as well put cameras on every frigid' corner of Manhattan and you have no rights." That's not a bad idea Jonathan!

There is one pesky thing that may render Vallone's bill obsolete: this thing called the "Internet." Grafcaps.com sells them at $1.95 for ten. And how would ID'ing potential buyers help? Does anyone really believe that there are no graffiti artists over the age of 21? No matter. Vallone will do his damnedest to make sure that these evil caps will cease their part to "glorify this criminal lifestyle." To Vallone, "it appears to be nothing more than a new addition to the graffiti culture and [a way to] indoctrinate the 11-year-olds." He then presumably went to his office to draft legislation to shut down this "Internet."