In order to minimize the damage wrought by myriad Santas merrily barfing into their hats on the way to and from SantaCon, the Long Island Railroad, New Jersey Transit, and the Metro North have all issued alcohol bans, effective Saturday to Sunday. Actually, NJ Transit went so far as to ban all beverages across all transportation modes, buses and light rails included, because there is no better mask for Jaeger shots than a can of Red Bull.

SantaCon, the annual rowdy Santa-themed flashmob, descends upon New York City on Saturday starting at, good God, 10 a.m. The official event page advises participants to "be merry, be safe, be responsible for your own actions, respect the city, don't litter, don't scare children, [and to] listen to the cops," but anyone who's weathered the Santa storm in years past knows participants tend to disregard all of that. Here's a taste:

For five years running, the MTA has banned alcohol consumption on the train lines that ferry the Santa squalls in and out of Manhattan. Whether or not the hordes of blasted yuletide bar crawlers can be reined in remains a point of contention, but the MTA promises to meet force with force.

"MTA police officers will be on duty at Penn Station, Grand Central Terminal and stations throughout the region, as well as on trains to enforce this restriction," reads a statement from the agency. "The police will confiscate alcoholic beverages and issue summonses carrying fines or imprisonment. Violators may also be subject to removal from the train or station by police."

On the Metro North and LIRR, alcohol will be banned from noon to noon, December 8th to December 9th, which presumably means that the sneakier/more dedicated booze hounds commuting in could (and likely will) begin their pregame en route to the event.

NJ Transit, meanwhile, refuses to take chances, because as spokesperson Nancy Schneider explained, the agency has "found in the past that many people have alcohol in water bottles and cups," and while authorities may want to assume those vessels contain something so benign as soda, or as prudent as Gatorade, that's how the Santas make asses of U and ME but most especially, themselves. NJ Transit will therefore revoke all riders' beverage privileges for the duration of its service day, starting when trains begin running on Saturday until the last trains clear away the SantaCon dregs early Sunday morning. Anyone found in violation of the policy will be issued a summons for an open container violation, which Schneider characterized as disorderly conduct, and a fine.

I can't and won't discourage any efforts to mitigate the Santas' drunken sprawl, but we all know the drill at this point: Inevitably, the bearded armies will descend, they will ravage—hell, even pillage—the East Village, they will spew chunks everywhere, and then they will wretch their way home while our streets run with urine. I'm throwing my weight behind City Council Speaker Corey Johnson's SantaCon containment strategy, I hope you'll do the same.

BAN OUTLAW QUARANTINE.
— Corey Johnson (@CoreyinNYC) December 3, 2018