"Is it 5 p.m. already? I'm pretty sure boss said to pick you up outside the Dean & Deluca at 7, but I'll compromise with 6 so I can get a little more shut eye. Now hold on, no need to call anybody, we can go now, Jesus. Just hand me that slip of wax paper with the white powder in it. BC Powder. Ya'll ever heard of it? By the time this bird's up in the air my head'll be clearer than a snake's belly after a seance. I don't know where South Pointe is but I'll touch you down in some soft sand—we're gonna have to turn the radio off because we're not supposed to fly in thunderstorms.
"Hey don't touch those pictures, they're my kids! Haven't seen them since before the war. Vietnam? Hell no, I beat the shit out of Dennis Quaid for that crop duster part in Independence Day and had to cool my heels below the equator for awhile. That was my war. My private war. Actors can't take a punch these days.
"Can one of ya'll unbutton my slacks? That empanada I had ain't sittin too well. Say, what do you guys do anyways? Bankers or something? Ya'll smell real nice I'll say that—whoa, whoa, hold on, everybody put their harnesses on, Jesus, I've never seen the controls do this. HAHA I got you! I got you! HAHA.
"This? It's called a flask. Oh hey, there's Billy Joel's house! Wait, no, shit, it's that one I think."
[Machines beep wildly as the chopper swerves and the pilot belts out an a cappella rendition of "Captain Jack."]
The preceding monologue was parody, but the premise is ALL TOO REAL. The e-hailing app Uber now has a helicopter service to the Hamptons—complete with SUV service to link you to your destination—for just $3,000. From the press release: "This year, we’re giving you the ultimate freedom - from the crowds, the traffic, and the long trip out East - with UberCHOPPER. Tap a single button to request a private driver who will transport you and four friends to the helipad, where you’ll take off directly for East Hampton. Another driver will be awaiting your arrival to drop you off at your final destination. Blair Waldorf, Don Draper, and Jay Gatsby got nothing on you. This is the epitome of luxury, convenience, and style."
