ABC's David Muir went to the White House to interview President Paraquat last night, resulting in the most batshit crazy transcript to grace the internet since, well, the last time Trump divulged his delusional thoughts ad nauseum. Trump claimed, among other things, that he can be "the most presidential person" since Abraham Lincoln; that he had "the biggest crowd in the history of inauguration speeches," and that all the allegedly (and non-existent) fraudulent votes went to Hillary Clinton. Somewhere in there, he managed to suggest Barack Obama only won the presidential election in 2008 because of fraudulent votes in Chicago and Philadelphia. Here, we've rounded up some of the more fucking crazy bullshit the President of the United States spewed last night, and please try to refrain from blowing your brains out until the midterm elections.

Trump will be be the most presidential President ever to President, sorry other LOSER Presidents! Indeed, Trump claimed, in the interview's opening, "I can be the most presidential person EVER, other than, possibly, the great Abe Lincoln." That being said, you won't necessarily get to see all that presidential presidenting, because Trump says he "won't do the job as well" if he's busy being presidential. No, I don't know what this means either, and Muir didn't bother to ask.


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The CIA gave Trump the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl. Trump discussed his little bragfast at CIA headquarters by bragging more about how much they loved him, but it's not totally clear what he meant by it. Did the CIA watch the Super Bowl together, or is he referring to the standing ovation Manning got in Indianapolis? And do standing ovations count when your servile employees are the ones cheering?

That location was given to me. Mike Pence went up before me, paid great homage to the wall. I then went up, paid great homage to the wall. I then spoke to the crowd. I got a standing ovation. In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal. I got a standing ovation. It lasted for a long period of time. What you do is take -- take out your tape -- you probably ran it live. I know when I do good speeches. I know when I do bad speeches. That speech was a total home run. They loved it. I could've ...

Trump won Maine.

If by Maine, you mean one district in a split-vote election.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: ... you're just asking a question. I would've easily won the popular vote, much easier, in my opinion, than winning the electoral college. I ended up going to 19 different states. I went to the state of Maine four times for one. I needed one.

I went to M-- I got it, by the way. But it turned out I didn't need it because we ended up winning by a massive amount, 306. I needed 270. We got 306. You and everybody said, "There's no way you get to 270." I mean, your network said and almost everybody said, "There's no way you can get to ..." So, I went to Maine four times. I went to various places. And that's the beauty of the electoral college. With that being said, if you look at voter registration, you look at the dead people that are registered to vote who vote, you look at people that are registered in two states, you look at all of these different things that are happening with registration. You take a look at those registration for -- you're gonna s-- find -- and we're gonna do an investigation on it.

3 to 5 million people definitely voted illegally in the election, and Trump knows more about a Pew report than the person who actually wrote the Pew report.

Trump doubled down on the very debunked conspiracy theory that the United States is rife with rampant voter fraud, and that all the fraudulent votes were cast for Hillary Clinton. People of color can't vote, after all!

DAVID MUIR: You’re now, you’re now president of the United States when you say ...

(OVERTALK)

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Of course, and I want the voting process to be legitimate.

DAVID MUIR: But what I'm asking ...

PRESIDENT TRUMP: The people that ...

DAVID MUIR: ... what I'm asking that -- when you say in your opinion millions of illegal votes, that is something that is extremely fundamental to our functioning democracy, a fair and free election.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Sure. Sure. Sure.

DAVID MUIR: You say you're gonna launch an investigation.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Sure, done.

DAVID MUIR: What you have presented so far has been debunked. It's been called ...

(OVERTALK)

DAVID MUIR: ... false.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, it hasn't. Take a look at the Pew reports.

DAVID MUIR: I called the author of the Pew report last night. And he told me that they found no evidence of voter ...

(OVERTALK)

DAVID MUIR: ... fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Really? Then why did he write the report?

DAVID MUIR: He said no evidence of voter fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Excuse me, then why did he write the report?

(OVERTALK)

PRESIDENT TRUMP: According to Pew report, then he's -- then he's groveling again. You know, I always talk about the reporters that grovel when they wanna write something that you wanna hear but not necessarily millions of people wanna hear or have to hear.

Speaking of voter fraud, how about those VERY FISHY votes Obama got in Chicago and Philadelphia?

Did you know that the city of Chicago determined the election in 2008?

One of the greatest victories ever. But, again, I ran for the electoral college. I didn't run for the popular vote. What I'm saying is if there are these problems that many people agree with me that there might be. Look, Barack Obama -- if you look back -- eight years ago when he first ran -- he was running for office in Chicago for we needed Chicago vote.

And he was laughing at the system because he knew all of those votes were going to him. You look at Philadelphia, you look at what's going on in Philadelphia. But take a look at the tape of Barack Obama who wrote me, by the way, a very beautiful letter in the drawer of the desk. Very beautiful. And I appreciate it. But look at what he said, it's on tape. Look at what he said about voting in Chicago eight years ago. It's not changed. It hasn't changed, believe me. Chicago, look what's going on in Chicago. It's only gotten worse.

But he was smiling and laughing about the vote in Chicago. Now, once he became president he didn't do that. All of a sudden it became this is the foundation of our country. So, here's the point, you have a lot of stuff going on possibly. I say probably. But possibly. We're gonna get to the bottom of it.

Indeed, there isn't a single problem in this country that's bigger than non-existent widespread voter fraud.

What was that thing about bringing back jobs?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: We're gonna launch an investigation to find out. And then the next time -- and I will say this, of those votes cast, none of 'em come to me. None of 'em come to me. They would all be for the other side. None of 'em come to me. But when you look at the people that are registered: dead, illegal and two states and some cases maybe three states -- we have a lot to look into.

DAVID MUIR: House Speaker Paul Ryan has said, "I have seen no evidence. I have made this very, very clear." Senator Lindsey Graham saying, "It's the most inappropriate thing for a president to say without proof. He seems obsessed with the idea that he could not have possibly lost the popular vote without cheating and fraud." I wanna ask you about something bigger here. Does it matter more now ...

PRESIDENT TRUMP: There's nothing bigger. There's nothing bigger.

DAVID MUIR: But it is important because ...

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Let me just tell you, you know what's important, millions of people agree with me when I say that if you would’ve looked on one of the other networks and all of the people that were calling in they're saying, "We agree with Mr. Trump. We agree." They're very smart people.

The people that voted for me -- lots of people are saying they saw things happen. I heard stories also. But you're not talking about millions. But it's a small little segment. I will tell you, it's a good thing that we're doing because at the end we're gonna have an idea as to what's going on. Now, you're telling me Pew report has all of a sudden changed. But you have other reports and you have other statements. You take a look at the registrations, how many dead people are there? Take a look at the registrations as to the other things that I already presented.

Meanwhile, Mexico is totally paying for that wall.

Taxpayers are just putting in a downpayment!

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ultimately it'll come out of what's happening with Mexico. We're gonna be starting those negotiations relatively soon. And we will be in a form reimbursed by Mexico which I will say ...

DAVID MUIR: So, they'll pay us back?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Yeah, absolutely, 100 percent.

DAVID MUIR: So, the American taxpayer will pay for the wall at first?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: All it is, is we'll be reimbursed at a later date from whatever transaction we make from Mexico. Now, I could wait a year and I could hold off the wall. But I wanna build the wall. We have to build the wall. We have to stop drugs from pouring in. We have to stop people from just pouring into our country. We have no idea where they're from. And I campaigned on the wall. And it's very important. But that wall will cost us nothing.

DAVID MUIR: But you talked -- often about Mexico paying for the wall. And you, again, say they'll pay us back. Mexico's president said in recent days that Mexico absolutely will not pay, adding that, "It goes against our dignity as a country and our dignity as Mexicans." He says ...

(OVERTALK)

PRESIDENT TRUMP: David, he has to say that. He has to say that. But I'm just telling you there will be a payment. It will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form. And you have to understand what I'm doing is good for the United States. It's also going to be good for Mexico.

And last but not least, his inauguration was the greatest, most bigly inauguration ever in the history of mankind.

Don't believe your own eyes, Americans, for the only truth is Trump's truth.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Well, you keep bringing it up. I had a massive amount of people here. They were showing pictures that were very unflattering, as unflattering -- from certain angles -- that were taken early and lots of other things. I'll show you a picture later if you’d like of a massive crowd.

In terms of a total audience including television and everything else that you have we had supposedly the biggest crowd in history. The audience watching the show. And I think you would even agree to that. They say I had the biggest crowd in the history of inaugural speeches. I'm honored by that. But I didn't bring it up. You just brought it up.

DAVID MUIR: See, I -- I'm not interested in the inaugural crowd size. I think the American people can look at images side by side and decide for themselves. I am curious about the first full day here at the White House, choosing to send the press secretary out into the briefing room, summoning reporters to talk about the inaugural crowd size. Does that send a message to the American people that that's -- that's more important than some of the very pressing issues?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Part of my whole victory was that the men and women of this country who have been forgotten will never be forgotten again. Part of that is when they try and demean me unfairly 'cause we had a massive crowd of people. We had a crowd -- I looked over that sea of people and I said to myself, "Wow."

And I've seen crowds before. Big, big crowds. That was some crowd. When I looked at the numbers that happened to come in from all of the various sources, we had the biggest audience in the history of inaugural speeches. I said the men and women that I was talking to who came out and voted will never be forgotten again. Therefore I won't allow you or other people like you to demean that crowd and to demean the people that came to Washington, D.C., from faraway places because they like me. But more importantly they like what I'm saying.

You can read the whole transcript online, should you feel like triggering a seizure. We are on Day Six of this hostage crisis; pace yourself.