Uh oh, looks like nobody wanted to buy the beautiful, magnificent, very classy Donald J. Trump Conception House in Queens — or at least, like nobody wanted to drop nearly $3 million on a comparatively modest, church-smelling five-bedroom. But everyone else's loss may be your gain, because now the president's childhood home is going up for auction.

Before you buckle down and prepare to bid on the property, 85-15 Wareham Place, you'll probably want a tour. Let me tell you a bit more about your haunted house: Real estate company Paramount Realty USA describes it as a "traditional Tudor-style home in renowned Jamaica Estates," which "features a brick & stucco exterior and an old world charm interior." On top of a kitchen that looks like it hasn't been renovated since Trump's dad built the house ca. 1940, you'll enjoy "arched doorways, hardwood floors, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, library, living room with fireplace, formal dining room, basement, and more."

What's the more? Well, aside from some interesting built-ins, there's Trump paraphernalia scattered everywhere: Andy Warhol-inspired pop art panels of the president's face hang in the dining room; framed family photos and Trump-centric magazine covers litter the surfaces; many copies of The Art of the Deal crowd the bookshelves; a goddamn cardboard cut-out lurks in the corner of the living room, silently beseeching you to spank it with a copy of Forbes during Shark Week. Oh, and! Let's not forget the plaque identifying one of the bedrooms, presumably the master one, as the place where "President Donald J. Trump was likely conceived."

Yeah, maybe that becomes a guest room? It could be a fun joke to spring on your friends and loved ones, but it's inconceivable that sleeping every night on such thoroughly haunted ground wouldn't begin to screw with you eventually.

Perhaps that's why the Trump Conception House has had such a hard time finding permanent owners over the past few years. Or, as the NY Times reports, its spotty occupancy might have more to do with its being priced at nearly triple the neighborhood median. Paramount Realty Principal Misha Haghani told the Times that "the value here has nothing to do with the real estate," but rather, the fact that No. 45 was spawned here. Still, he only lived here until he was four, so the multi-million-dollar price tag may be a bit ambitious. That's actually perfectly in-line with the Trump brand, if you think about it: Slap the family name on a less-than-impressive-to-middling product, jack up the price to stratospheric heights. Some might say it's like the Trump Steaks of real estate!

Except for that the Trumps don't have anything to do with Trump Conception House anymore: Since 2017, it's been owned by a limited liability corporation called "Trump Birth House," which bought the property for $2.14 million. (Its value only reached the million-dollar mark around the 2016 election; in 2008, it sold for $782,500, according to the Times.) The actual owner is unknown, but aptly enough, seems to be associated with overseas Chinese investors. Anyway, Trump Birth House then became an Airbnb that cost $725 per night, a price some people apparently paid, maybe most of them reporters tasked with marinating in the ghost vibes — an enveloping silence and "toilets [that] run unless you jiggle the handles," per the Times; a dining room table that looks like "a veteran's coffin," thanks to its "dingy American flag" drapery," and a lingering stench of "mothballs and lemon Pledge," per the NY Post — for journalism.

In February, it hit the market at $2.9 million, and apparently failed to find a willing buyer. Now, Paramount Realty has taken over, and aims to offload it to the highest bidder. The sealed auction will end November 14th, and you must pay a nonrefundable $100 entry fee, for which you get a copy of Trump's birth certificate and the chance to live in your very own, presidential scream home.