There are a lot of reasons why George Pataki will never be president-- his stunning dullness, for instance, or his suspiciously Greek-sounding last name (until Guiliani is elected president, we're going to assume any name ending in a vowel lowers your appeal in the South by 50%). But let's get real here: the number one reason that he'll never get elected is his hair. When we were watching his state-of-the-state address on Wednesday we couldn't take our eyes off it. The shaggy sides, the unbelievably far-reaching horizontal combover. Think about it-- when was the last time someone this bald was elected president? Nixon? Johnson? Who knows -- all the recent presidents have had luxuriously thick locks -- and that's one thing Pataki definitely does not have. So we're calling his presidential campaign right now: DOA.