Photo courtesy jenie212.

Woodhaven Lanes, the classic Forest Hills bowling alley, will close in less than two weeks, NY1 has learned. But this latest loss of a beloved NYC institution wasn’t due to the obscene rents that are sucking all the character out of our city, but rather a multiplying swarm of radioactive scorpions that have nested in the lanes’ shoes and balls. Kidding, of course it’s the obscene rent. Owner Jim Santora tells NY1 the lanes will probably be divvied up into some sweet retail outlets:

We have a lot of places to shop, but we don't have places to entertain ourselves, have a good time, and to meet with family. That's what bowlers are, family. I had 80-year-old women and men crying on my shoulders when they found out about this, and I had 2 and 3-year-old children crying as well.

Most devastated are the league bowlers for whom Woodhaven is a home away from home. Bowler Linda Raia lamented, "It's like the almighty dollar wins again. What about having a heart?" These real estate management companies are nihilists, Raia; they believe in nothing.