It was only eight months ago that we thought we would never see the pavement again, that New York's perennial garbage heaps had been subsumed by heaps of abominable filth snow. Do you remember that? It was awful. It was interminable. It's not going to be like that this year.*

Perhaps you've noticed that you haven't yet had occasion to wear that down jacket you scored for 60 bucks at the end-of-season Brooklyn Industries sale. Is this the end? The Post anticipates the high this weekend will break a 92-year-old record, and that the temperature is expected to be 10 degrees warmer than average for the rest of the year. "THERE WILL BE NO SNOW THIS YEAR," it barks. But what does the Post know? The Post isn't a real scientist. It can barely read!

We turned to our weather maven Joe Schumacher for some level-headed clarity on the situation, and he broke our hearts.

"El Nino is not going to let us have a white Christmas," he said matter-of-factly. "At least, that's how it looks for now. AccuWeather's long-range forecast has now pushed back the cold air until mid-January. Assuming that forecast has any skill, which is a bad assumption, it doesn't look good for snow anytime soon."

WHATEVER JOE, ARE YOU EVEN A REAL DOCTOR? National Weather Service, please restore some semblance of sanity to this inane pablum.

It's never going to snow again, so enjoy your barren Christmas. Here's some information on how to barbecue a turkey.

*You might welcome the warmer weather for now, but remember that it will start this way, like a heated blanket on a cold night, until you realize that you can't take the blanket off, that it will only get hotter and hotter and hotter, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death we melt.

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