Having laid waste to New Jersey, Staten Island, and the Hamptons, wild turkeys have turned their murderous attention toward our brethren in Connecticut. Apparently the turkeys are so intent on sending their baby turkeys to Stamford, Conn.'s stellar schools, they are holding residents hostage in their homes.

According to the Stamford Advocate, human residents started feeding the wild turkeys over the summer; the turkeys, like Gremlins, sensed weakness, and now they are taking charge. “When turkeys are fed by people, they become habituated to them and start to see them on the same level as other turkeys,” Michael Gregonis, a Department of Energy and Environmental Protection wild turkey program biologist, told the paper. "There’s a hierarchy in turkey flocks and each turkey has its place and they fight among themselves."

Now, the turkeys are fighting the humans. “I have been getting several complaints, mostly from older people afraid to leave their houses, and a few joggers who have been chased,” City Rep. Steven Kolenberg said. Mail carriers are also quickly falling victim to the vicious birds. "It’s likely they target mail carriers because they come every day — it’s a routine that’s set up," Gregonis told the Stamford Advocate.

Last year, wild turkeys terrorized New Jersey denizens, pecking at residents, cars, and meticulously seeded lawns; one turkey gang even managed to trap a local postal worker in his truck. But Stamford residents are particularly worried about their turkeys, on whose turf sits a local elementary school. "[M]y biggest concern is for Newfield Elementary School, which is in the middle of these turkeys’ territory,” Kolenberg said.

Stamford residents who spot turkeys should slowly walk away from them, but not back away or run. More importantly, if you spot a turkey, DO NOT feed it. War is brutal, but if we will it we can win, plus Thanksgiving's just a couple months away.