As prophesied by Taylor Swift and Mark Wahlberg, the real monsters in this world are trees. They wield their pollen against us, knowing humans are powerless against itchy eyes and dripping mucus, and that one day they WILL avenge The Giving Tree. One. Day.
Indeed, CBS 2 reports this year the trees are particularly aggressive thanks to our manic winter, and though this seems to have been a recurring theme over the years, this spring the pollen count will be Extra Bad. Our warm February inspired the trees to start producing pollen early, but they then took a brief respite for March's mini-blizzard, they are now back with a vengeance, and the grass has joined in, too.
"Trees and grass overlap; it’s just usually birch and oak. Usually other trees have already finished," Dr. Leonard Bielory of Rutgers University told the outlet. "Those other trees, which contribute 50 percent of what we are seeing in pollen normally would be done by now."
So, nature has conspired against us, soon the pollen will come for the cars, the ice caps are melting, the penguins are dying, and it's supposed to be cold and rainy on Monday when I have Mets tickets. Maybe we'll be better off when the trees finally do skin us alive—meanwhile, I'll be spending the rest of today trying to unstick my right eye.