Jews burning shit

A photo posted by Bruce Labounty (@brucelabounty802) on

Today is both the first night of Passover and Good Friday, a rare unicorn of guilt and dietary restrictions that unleashes a million emails from mothers begging their heathen children to come home. Apparently, it's been quite some time since these two holidays have converged—certainly, they more or less did back in 33 AD, since Jesus's Last Supper was presumably a Passover seder, even though Da Vinci painted all that bread on the table.

Of course, in 2015, the conflation of these two holidays mostly means 3,000 PR pitches hocking unleavened artisanal chocolate bunnies marked with a five-pointed Cross of David. But there are things to watch out for today! For instance, if you pass by a group of observant Jews making giant bonfires on the street, do not be alarmed:

This is the ritualistic burning of chametz, or leavened food that you cannot eat on Passover. But, yes, it looks terrifying from afar:

Goodbye, sweet, beautiful bread.

Burning #chametz #fire #Pesach #Passover #nyc #newyork #chagsameach

A photo posted by @scully223 on

If you do not burn all your chametz, you can "hide" it in a cupboard marked with very removeable tape, like my mother does. It's probably not legal, but it does make it easy to surreptitiously eat Cheerios once the Honey Stars run out (Not that I ever did that! Love you, Mommy!).

Note that while some people think matzah is delicious, they are mistaken, for it is in fact disgusting.

If hiding or burning bread is not to your liking, you could shell out $11,000 for this fancy-looking Passover retreat at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in California. There, attendees will enjoy butler service, private pony rides, meet-and-greets with E! stars, and football lessons from Mark Sanchez, just as the Hebrews did when they fled Pharaoh in those movies about white people who play Egyptians.

As for what happens on Good Friday, it turns out no one in this office knows anything about it, for we are all godless content-creating curation creatures lost in the blogverse with not a moment to spare for any soul-Googling. I myself am quite foggy on the details, since Rugrats didn't have a very good Easter episode, but perhaps this documentary on Jesus's death and Tom Hanks's hair will help you out.