Last month Community Board 8, which includes the Upper East Side and borders Central Park, voted to approve a car-free park trial (ain't gonna happen) while simultaneously blasting a plan to let cyclists cut (slowly) across the park on paths formerly reserved for pedestrians only. The vote was widely reported, but the formal resolution memorializing the vote didn't get much press, which is a pity because it belongs in the Hall of Fame of anti-cyclist screeds. (Sample: "WHEREAS... virtually all bicyclists ignore the laws, rules, and regulations—despite the presence of adequate signage and red traffic lights.") We've embedded it below for posterity and for CBS 2's Marcia Kramer, who'll no doubt want a framed copy of it for her home or office.
As it happens, Gothamist has obtained a copy of the original resolution, which contains several more "WHEREAS" items that didn't make it into the compromised second draft:
cyclists are climbing in your windows and snatching your people up, and
WHEREAS this one time a guy on a bicycle stole the last chocolate babka right out of our hands, and
WHEREAS my name is Inigo Montoya. A cyclist killed my father. Prepare to die, and
WHEREAS Hitler was a cycling advocate, and
WHEREAS bikes are for the poor and the help, who should really be taking the service entrance, and
WHEREAS sweeping generalizations about bicycle riders make Upper East Side residents look like a bunch of pearl-clutching, "well I never," NIMBY WASPs.
[Thanks to Bicycles Only]