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WHEREAS The Upper East Side Community Board Hates Cyclists

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! All cyclists are hereby banished east of Central Park!
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Hear Ye, Hear Ye! All cyclists are hereby banished east of Central Park!

Last month Community Board 8, which includes the Upper East Side and borders Central Park, voted to approve a car-free park trial (ain't gonna happen) while simultaneously blasting a plan to let cyclists cut (slowly) across the park on paths formerly reserved for pedestrians only. The vote was widely reported, but the formal resolution memorializing the vote didn't get much press, which is a pity because it belongs in the Hall of Fame of anti-cyclist screeds. (Sample: "WHEREAS... virtually all bicyclists ignore the laws, rules, and regulations—despite the presence of adequate signage and red traffic lights.") We've embedded it below for posterity and for CBS 2's Marcia Kramer, who'll no doubt want a framed copy of it for her home or office.

0611-Reso Central Park Pedestrian-Bicycle Use

As it happens, Gothamist has obtained a copy of the original resolution, which contains several more "WHEREAS" items that didn't make it into the compromised second draft:

WHEREAS

cyclists are climbing in your windows and snatching your people up, and

WHEREAS this one time a guy on a bicycle stole the last chocolate babka right out of our hands, and

WHEREAS my name is Inigo Montoya. A cyclist killed my father. Prepare to die, and

WHEREAS Hitler was a cycling advocate, and

WHEREAS bikes are for the poor and the help, who should really be taking the service entrance, and

WHEREAS sweeping generalizations about bicycle riders make Upper East Side residents look like a bunch of pearl-clutching, "well I never," NIMBY WASPs.

[Thanks to Bicycles Only]

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