A wealthy Upper East Side couple are suing the Cathedral School of St. John the Divine for $415K after they say the school got them to bid on a 30-by-30-inch finger painting by a classroom of kindergartners, rigged the auction, and stuck them with a $50K bill for it. And this very well may be the epitome of rich people problems.

According to the Post, socialite Michelle Heinemann and her investment-banker husband Jon say in the lawsuit that their son, Hudson Cornelius Heinemann, was “underappreciated” there. “Plaintiff’s son was consistently left out of school exhibits and films...and was made to go last at nearly everything,” the lawsuit states.

Even more ghastly, “On one occasion, plaintiffs’ 5-year-old son was relegated to the role of ‘door-holder’ and ordered to hold the door for all of the other students.” Look, if the Heinemanns wanted their kid to "build humility," they'd have sent him to The Avenues.

School administrators allegedly promised to cease all door-holding labors for young Hudson Cornelius if the Heinemann's gave some donations (including $6K worth of “designer clothing items” to the auction) and if “renowned artist” Michelle Heinemann helped Hudson’s class create a sellable work of art for the auction.

The Heinemanns agreed to put in the winning bid for the finished finger painting for $3K, but they claim the school had a first-grade teacher named “Ms. Bryant” drive the bid up to “the outrageous sum of $50,000.” So the Heinemanns have since pulled Hudson out of the school, and are now demanding compensation for all of the attending costs, including $20,000 tuition to a new school, forfeited class fees for his little sister Hyacinth Cornelia, and Hudson’s $60,000-a-year chauffeur.

Meanwhile, does anyone know the German word for "slamming your head against a metal pole to end the pain?"