Park Slope motorists woke up on on two consecutive mornings this week to find the windows of their minivans and SUVs shattered by vandals. Over a dozen vehicles were vandalized, all parked along Prospect Park West, which is where a controversial new bike lane has threatened to tear Park Slope apart. The culprits' motives are unknown, and the police have no leads, so we're sure nobody's going to rush to judgment and blame this on radical bike-riding enemies of internal combustion engines. No, they'll just hint at it.
"They’re targeting a particular section of society," resident Jana Bruns tells the Brooklyn Paper. (And she doesn't need to spell out who THEY are!) "This makes me a little nervous," says Cindy Ferrara. "It’s like a political statement." Yep, it's straight out of the loony bike lane advocate playbook! But the most entertaining leap from unfounded correlation to flimsy causation comes in the comments, where Bob Scott from Brooklyn portends: "There's a sense of lawlessness in Park Slope. It starts with the filthy streets and all those flyers illegally taped to lampposts, mailboxes, and newsboxes. First they threw litter on the ground, then they taped litter to the lampposts, then they allowed bicyclists to roam wild, next car windows are smashed, and tomorrow... Wait and see." Next there will be children running around! Oh, wait.
As you read this, an angry mob of righteous motorists with torches and pitchforks is surely dragging cyclists off their bikes and lynching them from the highest Prospect Park tree. And it's about time they sent a message to these interlopers! But wait—this just in! The vandals have also smashed windows in Prospect Heights, many blocks away from the infernal bike lane. Of course, that was inevitable once the DOT shoved that Vanderbilt Avenue bike lane down the neighborhood's throat.