The field of candidates potentially running for president against Barack Obama is thin, to say the least: Tim Pawlenty dropped out after seeing his shadow; Newt Gingrich doesn't really want to win; Herman Cain thinks Donna Summer is a poet; Rick Perry is still praying for rain; Michelle Bachmann is busy eating a corn dog; Jon Huntsman talks too quietly; Rick Santorum has a dirty name; Sarah Palin is too busy planning her RV reality show; and Ron Paul is...just Ron Paul. What this country really needs is a candidate who'll stand up to Big Chinese Food—someone who'll cut back on the MSG, get the rats out of your Chicken Chow Fun, and provide free chinese food for the whole country every Saturday night after 5 p.m.: