Yesterday, Sharon Bialek shared an account of her 1997 meeting with 2012 GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain in which he allegedly grabbed her genitals, pushed her head towards his groin and asked, "You want a job, don't you?" So what's Cain's next logical step in confronting these serious allegations? Get some TV laffs at their expense!

On Jimmy Kimmel's show last night, Cain was jokingly asked if he had considered hiring Gloria Allred as his attorney. "You almost made me say something that my handlers says you should not say." BORRRING! Let loose the CAIN! "Let me put it to you this way: I can't think of anything that I would hire her to do, okay? I can't think of a thing!" Haha was that a prostitution gag? Who cares. All this talk of repeated sexual impropriety is just great television.

Cain goes on to call Bialek's charges "fabricated," and pointed to the fact that his campaign was pulling in record amounts of donations because the American people are "sick of gutter politics." This is why Cain's campaign has called Bialek a "woman with a long history of severe financial difficulties." America: tired of "gutter politics," but totally cool with throwing this woman in a sluiceway.

But seriously, who IS this 4th woman to speak out against Cain's inappropriate (criminal!) behavior, and how can we crush her? Well, she has filed for bankruptcy twice, once in 1991 and a second time in 2001, and this is all you need to know about a person. 1.5 million liars filed for bankruptcy last year, so how can she possibly be credible?

"I was not paid to come forward, nor was I promised any employment. Nothing at all," Bialek told ABC News. "I'm just doing this because it's the right thing to do." Riiiight, and Herman Cain revamped Philly area Burger Kings because he loved hamburgers.

And now, a fifth woman has come forward to speak—on the record—about Cain's unusual behavior. After a young woman asked him a question during a 2002 speech, he asked Donna Donella, "Could you put me in touch with that lovely young lady who asked the question, so I can give her a more thorough answer over dinner?" This is because answers are always more thorough with a bottle of chianti. But, Donella tells the Washington Examiner, something wasn't quite right. "I couldn't swear that he had some untoward intentions, but we all thought his tone was suspect and we didn't feel comfortable putting him in touch with that woman." So they had a group dinner instead, at which Cain "did order two $400 bottles of wine and stuck the woman with the bill."

Look for Herman Cain to delve into some heady feminism vs. chivalry issues at today's press conference in Arizona. It's the 2000s! Those women don't need him to pay for the $800 worth of wine he ordered.