Subliminal smoking advertiser and 2012 presidential candidate Herman Cain went on Letterman last night to deny, for the 653th time, that he has ever sexually harassed anyone. When asked by the host (who admits he's "no stranger to sexual scandal" himself) if "These statements are all false? All of these women are lying? They're all lying?" Cain responds, "Yes. They are." Well, that settles it!

The former fast food executive was recently given Secret Service protection, the first candidate in the race to have it. Although a representative from the agency declined to tell the Times why he's receiving it, Cain and his bodyguards have had several coarse encounters with the press recently.

But perhaps what Cain should be worrying about more than the Lamestream Media is his dipping poll numbers. A Bloomberg poll shows—gasp—RON PAUL narrowly leading the field in Iowa with 19 percent! One Iowan Paul supporter tells the Times, "The reaction is, ‘Oh, the guy is fringe, he’s crazy,’"he said. “People tell me, ‘You’re throwing away your vote.’ I said to myself: ‘Chuck, you wore the uniform, you fought for the right to vote. If you’re voting with your heart, I don’t think you’re throwing away your vote.’" Throw, toss—tomato, to-mah-to.

But how much does Iowa even matter given Mitt Romney's massive lead in New Hampshire? Paul is at 17% to Romney's 40%, and Iowa is the most conservative Republican primary state, "an outlier even by the standards of a conservative party." Can we just get it over with and elect President Gingrich already?