Original combover enthusiast Donald Trump has been long teasing an "October Surprise" that would cripple the Obama campaign and shake America to its core. Today, he finally revealed the damning secret that will undo Obama's presidency once and for all that he's back to sucking on the sweet teat of Birther paranoia. But at least now we know exactly how to make Trump "the most happy of all." Watch him make his announcement from the pretend office where he dreams up this crap.

So essentially, Trump is turning the clock back to spring 2011, when he flirted with running for President Of Obama-Is-Kenyan, by obsessing about Obama's records again. Only this time, he's giving the president an offer he couldn't possibly refuse: Trump will donate $5 million to a charity of Obama's choice if Obama releases his college records and passport records. And if Obama refuses, then not only is he a shady outsider who probably isn't American and is desperately trying to tear down this country from the inside with his neo-Marxist affordable health care-mandating fascist regime—then he also HATES CHARITY.

What is the president hiding? Did he take an incomplete in Presidential Debate Prep 302? We already know he failed Intro To Sappy, Name-Dropping Love Letters.

And is anyone shocked that when Trump finally showed his hand, there were no Obama divorce papers? His announcement doesn't even warrant calling him the male Gloria Allred! Trump is only really good at one thing at this point in his life: giving himself publicity handjobs. And holding the president's feet to an imaginary fire in this shameless, clownish manner is his forte. So don't be surprised when Obama refuses Trump's generous offer, and don't be surprised when Trump responds with another self-indulgent, ranty video response next week. The man might have enormous balls and no inner life, but there's no combover in the universe that can make him any classier.