Donald Trump, an ambulatory rotten turnip, took a break from arguing with journalists and insulting entire countries today to read the NY Times to his followers. "Especially if you're from New York, when you're on the front page that means like a lot, to me," Professor Trump told the class during an eight minute recitation of the day's latest Trump happenings. "Of the NY Times? That's a lot." Then he threw the newspaper like he was re-enacting a scene from Newsies

In addition to transforming into a Botero-esque version of Pat Kiernan, Trump also took this opportunity to "show" the unwashed masses that his "hair" is "real." This proved to be just the latest attempt by Trump to mislead the public on the truth about what really goes on between the straw-painted follicles painted onto his head every morning. Watch full video of the false flag operation below.

History should note the woman never really touched his hair, and who can blame her, I wouldn't want gold lacquer rubbing off on my fingertips. But who is this woman? Is she a certified hair specialist? What are her credentials? Why have we never seen her before? Does she work for Trump? Is she Trump? How do we know whether or not she is a member of the one-world authoritarian government known as the New World Order? Is there any proof that she isn't part of the Illuminati? You can't spell "toupee to play" without toupee, or pay (phonetically-speaking).

Let's take a closer look at this inspection, because you can't spell Trump with Triangle.

Gothamist humbly remains Trump toupee truthers until a certified notary public runs his or her fingers through it. Or until Trump's barber shows us his birth certificate.