In all of our years of reporting on other people hooking up in our horribly unsanitary mass transit system, there have been very few hard and fast rules (Nailed it). But were we to pick just one, it would be this: don't try to do it on the stairs leading to and from the subway.

They don't even have the decency to wear masks while humping! Why would you even want to get shtupped on the stairs? Why would you choose to dry hump on stairs? This is literally a scene from The Room come to life. Don't these people care about their latissimus dorsi? It would take a truly sick and twisted individual to dream up a scenario in which smashing body parts together on stairs could possibly induce orgiastic levels of sexual gratification.