You know that sitting is killing you. You know that the things in your closet are killing you. You even know that NYC is killing you. But did you know that sperm is trying to kill you as well? That's what one Upper East Sider discovered during a fateful trip to a midtown gym after he fractured a shoulder by slipping and falling in the steam room on what he described as a "foreign white substance."

According to the News, Marc Moskowitz, 66, is suing Bally Total Fitness gym on E. 55th Street for tacitly encouraging sauna hookups, and then not cleaning up afterwards. Moskowitz claims in his suit that managers of the midtown gym are aware that gay "cruising and lewd behavior" is "commonplace at the steam room, sauna and locker rooms...As a result of the aforementioned activities, there was bodily fluids and other evidence of sexual activity wherever it occurred throughout the gym."

Moskowitz's lawyer, David Grover, says that Bally's used to have a trained team to deal with the excess sperm, but now they just leave a hose and liquid soap for people to clean up after themselves: "They used to have somebody at the gym who monitored this kind of activity and stopped it from happening," the lawyer told the News. "A few years ago, they stopped doing this." Not that Grover knows anything about what "cruising" even is, why are you looking at him like that? "In fact, I didn't know about it," the lawyer said emphatically. "Unless you're involved in that lifestyle you would not know that."

But the foreign white smoking gun doesn't just lead to a scuzzy basement sauna in midtown—Moskowitz alleges that this sort of DIY sperm ethos "is prevalent at Bally's across the country." Is this a worldwide spermspiracy, or another case of scarlet sperming?