[UPDATE BELOW: A break in the case!] The office of Staten Island's Republican congressman Michael Grimm was broken into over the weekend. According to Grimm's office, "two large chunks of cement and smaller rocks had been thrown through the windows," which, as anyone who has seen the 1954 Carey Grant gumshoe classic Cement If You Love Me knows, was clearly a coverup for something more dastardly. Grimm's office claims "important campaign files" were "corrupted" and erased. But the Times reports that police have "concluded that nothing had been erased or tampered with." What it will take for you people to forget that Grimm is facing a federal investigation for shady campaign contributions? Has anyone checked the K-Cups to see if the French Roasts were swapped out with Breakfast Blends?!

The Post is even harsher, calling Grimm's account "fishy": “This is not your usual criminal-mischief case . . . It’s very suspicious,” the paper's resident Dashiell Hammett expert police source says.

You have vandals smashing glass, and then you have them wiping computers clean. On the one end, you have a barbaric act; on the other hand, you have a sophisticated act, wiping computers clean. Doesn’t make sense. Also, why would you take the time to break in and wipe the computers clean when you can just steal them?

The source then presumably exhaled a thick cloud of cigarette smoke before motioning to a buxom woman in a red dress and adding, "It's as if Grimm's stretching the truth as long as this gal's gams."

But seriously: the roving band of teenagers who perpetrated this foul deed against Grimm's office probably knows nothing about the congressman's alleged strong-arming of illicit cash donations from people who aren't even his constituents, or that time he allegedly brandished a gun in a nightclub and demanded that all the white people leave so he could have a chat with everyone else.

[UPDATE] Finally, a break in the case: A rag-tag group of brilliant hackers led by Robert Redford two eighth graders allegedly committed the act of vandalism against Rep. Michael Grimm's office. NYPD spokesman Paul Browne told the AP that a Staten Island eighth grader at an unnamed school told a counselor that he had broken a window at Grimm's office. The boy is likely to be charged with criminal mischief as a juvenile. But what about all that computer hacking/erasing/Linux-installing that went on? Here's a tip: all the concrete blocks we know use Open Office.