[UPDATE BELOW] Wow, did we really refer to a horrifying photo of a man pooping on a subway seat as a "bracing exercise in sentience?" Ah, that was so long ago (August 2012), before our eyes lost their delicate sheen of chastity in the rock tumbler of woe. Now Here Comes This Photograph, taken by a rider of the
Coney Island-bound N train last night 5 train who presumably prefers to consider himself a "straphanger" in the poetic sense, rather than the…well, you clicked.
If you can handle the NSFW original version of the photo, fine, but by clicking this link you are acknowledging our FINAL WARNING POINT OF NO RETURN WHAT'S SEEN CAN'T BE UNSEEN.
The rider says that the man committing this subway faux pas (also: crime) was asleep, as was the man sitting next to him. We're told that multiple attempts to locate police on the platform were made to no avail. How many times does someone glance at an empty platform before glancing back at this, before glancing back at the empty platform, before glancing back at this, until they change cars? The rider didn't say, but Bob Dylan still has a few albums left in him.
If the good people at the University of Virginia's Career Services department are reading: this reporter would be honored to grant an interview to the alumnus who puts together those saccharine post-grad newsletters to discuss how our liberal arts degrees and the countless hours we spent thinking about the how the Lochner Era of Supreme Court jurisprudence was actually a return to the Federalist principal of neutrality aided us in the construction of this blog post. We could also lead a Webinar or something. Drop us a line.
Brandon LeBlanc, the photographer, offers this account of what he saw, which we will publish without comment:
It was midnight, I had just gotten of the Metro North from New Haven, and began my long treck back to Bushwick. A trek starting with the 5 train to the Brooklyn Bridge. Things were going as usual, until out of the corner of my eye I noticed something a bit unusual.
A scraggly dressed man reached into his sweatpants and displayed his balls for all to see. Immediately, I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed, perhaps someone would say something? Nope, I was the only one with the misfortune to look up from my Iphone.
I tried to ignore it and began shuffling through my phone for something to distract me.
Then I noticed him take out a water bottle containing some weird liquid, which he began to apply to his balls. He began rubbing the liquid in vigorously, and after about a minute sat back content with his work.
By the time this was over, my stop had come up and his balls had swollen to a considerably large size. I quickly exited the train, but not fast enough to hear the collective gasp from the train as they noticed what was present on their ride.