The Hamptons is a magical place where $25K bottles of champagne are chilled during a 10,000-foot free-fall and served by a skydiver and rogue turtles terrorize 7-Eleven parking lots. So if you had $147 million burning a hole in your $147 million pockets, wouldn't you pay a record amount of money to get in on that action?

According to the Post, a mystery buyer has bought an 18-acre estate in East Hampton for exactly that amount, which set a new record for the highest priced residential sale in the country (the previous record was $120 million for the 50-acre Copper Beech Farm in Greenwich). The beachfront property, which includes multiple gardens and ponds, was previously owned by Christopher H. Browne, former managing director of the Tweedy, Browne Company investment firm, and his partner, architect Andrew Gordon. Browne died in December 2009, and Gordon died last September.

Browne's family was able to sell the property on their own, leaving in their wake a line of crestfallen brokers. But the real question now is who bought it: for whatever reason, the buyer didn't want their name revealed. So in pursuit of truth, we've compiled a very legitimate list of possible mystery buyers:

  • Amy Sohn: The Park Slope author wrote something about real estate in the Times today (we haven't gotten to read it yet), so we assume it must have been related to this. Coincidences don't exist!
  • Donald Trump: Some people look at the world and see six billion lunatics. Other people look at the world and see six billion places where a Klassy Kasino could go.
  • The Illuminati: What's the point of being a secret society if you don't have a really neat hang out pad?
  • Damian Lillard: He just became an owner of the Houston Rockets, so clearly he is financially stable enough to make a purchase like this.
  • Zuul: One day you're a demonic vision in a Manhattan resident's fridge, the next you just want a chance to run into Kate Upton on the beach.
  • Marc Anthony: If the singer couldn't remember he owned a farm, who's to say he doesn't already own this property and just forgot about it?
  • Dan Smith [Who] Will Teach You Guitar: If ever there lived a mystery wrapped around an enigma, it is he.
  • Scrooge McDuck: Modern times have been hard on the richest member of The Billionaires Club of Duckburg. You can't just find a golden rock the size of a goose's egg laying about anymore. This would actually be quite a bit of a step down for a duck who takes daily swims in his money, but at least it would keep him one step ahead of Flintheart Glomgold.
  • Michael Bloomberg: Imagine a smoke, sugar and soda-free kingdom filled with rich Japanese bankers and a few resentful Bermudans.
  • The Ghost Of Stonewall Jackson: LOL, remember that whole Anchorman 2 thing? He was definitely the best part of the film.
  • John Catsimatidis: What else do you expect a filthy rich supermarket magnate to do with his money after a failed mayoral bid, build a monorail?
  • Liam Neeson: Finally, he could create his own private stable, a sanctuary for overworked city horses and their riders, a safe space where the prying eyes of anti-carriage horse advocates couldn't judge him for lying in sin with Andrea Peyser on a pillow of hay and carrot shavings.
  • Paul McCartney's Mullet: Still richer than we'll ever be.
  • Mike Myers: He's gonna need somewhere to stash all the money he will make from Austin Powers 4 if/when it inevitably happens.
  • Ant-Man: As a wife-abuser with the power of those Honey I Shrunk The Kids kids, Hank Pym has already suffered his fair share of indignities at the hands of both fellow superheroes and the comic book writers who control his fate. But we thought things were turning around with the announcement of Edgar Wright's major motion picture for Marvel focused on the character. Things were finally coming up Ant-Man! Except no, they aren't, because Pym won't even be the star of his own film—instead, Paul Rudd will play Scott Lang (who in the comics inherited the mantle from Pym, a founding member of The Avengers for crissakes, after 30 years or so of Pym disappointing his friends and family) as the titular hero. And an aging Pym will have to settle for being played with wearying disdain by Michael Douglas. Scott Lang, the punk who STOLE the Ant-Man technology which Pym created, will be the center of the film! There is such a lack of respect for Pym, he has even been written out of stories involving his misdeeds—he was the one who created Ultron in the comics after all, yet you shouldn't expect to see any sign of him in the second Avengers film, Age Of Ultron. All of which is to say, if anyone deserves to own a secluded 18-acre estate, it's Hank Pym.

Disappointing Update: The mystery buyer has now been revealed to be Barry Rosenstein, hedge fund manager of Jana Partners. Also, the amount he paid turned out to be $147 million, not $145 million. Overall, this is a very disappointing development, although it's still possible that Rosenstein is Zuul in disguise, and/or a front for Bloomberg. Once again, Hank Pym has been ignored in all this.