It's been a long, strange, helicoptery trip, but Chris Christie has chosen life: the New Jersey governor is holding a press conference today at 1 p.m. to announce that he is NOT running for president. "He's not running. Mary Pat and the gov just called tier one [donor] group to say he was out," a source tells Politico. Those tier one donors shouldn't worry, as they can just shift their donations to Mitt Romney. Or they can shovel the cash into a giant pit in the earth, douse it in kerosene, and set it on fire. While both choices will have the same result, the primal urge to bask in the glow of combustion is considerably more exciting than Mitt Romney.

While Christie's camp has been conducting "due diligence" over the past few days to determine if a run is even possible, those close to the governor—as did the governor himself when he spoke to donors in July—indicated that it was never really his choice alone. His wife, Mary Pat Christie, was said to be against the run, despite some pundits claiming that she would help round out Christie's image as a brusque "straight talker."

We'll update as the press conference goes live, but the real show will be in Roger Ailes's office, where we're told that he's blasting music and dreaming of what might have been.

[UPDATE] It's official, Chris Christie has foolishly given four more years to Socialist Obama. “In the end, what I’ve always felt was the right decision remains the right decision today," he said. "Now is not my time. I have a commitment to the people of New Jersey that I simply will not abandon." Even if they'd rather see him leave, Christie said, “New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me.” According to Politico, the governor hinted that he may endorse another candidate. Herman Cain take note: we know that he likes pizza.