Donald Trump, the cancerous mole on the skin of America that is rapidly metastasizing, appeared on Fox & Friends this morning to brag about how he was right for jumping the gun and declaring this weekend's Chelsea explosion a terrorist bombing 45 minutes after the blast occurred. "I was criticized for calling it correctly,” Trump said. "What I said was exactly correct. I should be a newscaster because I called it before the news."

Even though newscasters generally don't make up the news before getting the facts straight just because they have a gut feeling, we have to agree on this one: please go be a newscaster. You'd be so good at it! You're already basically an honorary correspondent at Fox News. You'll be the best newscaster in all of history. Just please go do anything but run for president.

Trump, who has a history of responding to apparent terrorist attacks on U.S. soil by congratulating himself, didn't just spend the 26 minute long interview patting himself on the back—he also delivered some terrifyingly vague threats to other countries.

"It's a mess," he said. "It's a shame. And we're gonna have to be very tough. I think maybe we're going to be seeing a big change over the last couple of days. I think this is something that maybe we'll get, you know, will happen, perhaps, all over the country." If preying on people's fears of terrorist attacks happening in every sleepy nook in the nation doesn't get your blood boiling and curse words a'spewing, then how about some choice words for ISIS:

Trump also got his usual jabs in at President Obama and Hillary Clinton, blaming them for allowing thousands of Syrian refugees to take shelter in the country, despite the fact that this weekend's attacks had nothing to do with Syria. "Thousands of people are pouring into our country," he said. "We have no idea what we're doing. Our leaders are—I don't even say 'weak'—I say 'stupid.'"

Trump also tweeted and deleted this declaration yesterday: "Saturday’s attacks show that failed Obama/Hillary Clinton polices won’t keep us safe! I will Make America Safe Again!"

Hillary Clinton, who previously criticized Trump for using the word "bomb" preemptively ("It’s always wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions."), said Trump's rhetoric "is giving aid and comfort to our adversaries."

In case all this isn't depressing enough: according to the latest polls, Trump saw a 16.5 percentage-point increase in backing from African-American voters since September 10th.

Why waste your talents on a BORING! political job that forces you to read SAD! junk and talk to LOSERS! in suits when you could be on television every morning and make Steve Doocey your coffee bitch?