Donald Trump, heretofore referred to as The Worst Person In America, is working hard to stem the campaign bleeding that started with the #PussyGrab tapes and has only gushed harder since. Multiple women have come forward over the last few days to accuse Trump of unwanted groping, including People magazine writer Natasha Stoynoff, who accused Trump of pushing her against a wall and sticking "his tongue down" her throat during a 2005 interview. But Trump says there's no way he could have done that to Stoynoff—just look at her!

At a rally in Florida today, The Worst Person in America took a 22-minute break from blaming Obama from sending our jobs to Mexico and Gyna to address the allegations against him. He called the Times, which broke the story, a "failing" "desperate" publication that's "on the way down," and said the allegations were "pure fiction and absolute lies" concocted by the Clinton machine and their many media minions, or something.

As for Stoynoff, Trump said, "Take a look! You take a look. Look at her. Look at her words. You tell me what you think." He added, with a sneer, "I don't think so. I don't think so." God, you sad losers, I only assault models and pageant queens. Don't be ridiculous!

President Grabby Hands also claimed that if he'd really attacked Stoynoff, wouldn't she have included that in her story (about his and Melania's 1 year anniversary)? Indeed, why wouldn't a celebrity reporter potentially burn her career and drag her name through the mud by going after a richer, bigger, more powerful man who'd never lash out against a publication that wrote something not so nice about him?


And here's a snippet from Stoynoff's story, explaining why she didn't go public after the fact:

Back in my Manhattan office the next day, I went to a colleague and told her everything.

“We need to go to the managing editor,” she said, “And we should kill this story, it’s a lie. Tell me what you want to do.”

But, like many women, I was ashamed and blamed myself for his transgression. I minimized it (“It’s not like he raped me…”); I doubted my recollection and my reaction. I was afraid that a famous, powerful, wealthy man could and would discredit and destroy me, especially if I got his coveted PEOPLE feature killed.

“I just want to forget it ever happened,” I insisted. The happy anniversary story hit newsstands a week later and Donald left me a voicemail at work, thanking me.

“I think you’re terrific,” he said. “The article was great and you’re great.”

Yeah, I thought. I’m great because I kept my mouth shut.

Trump, meanwhile, claimed all the women who lodged groping complaints against him were liars: "You take a look at these people, you study these people, and you'll see," he said. He also noted that he and his team "Already have substantial evidence to dispute these lies, they'll be made public in an appropriate way at an appropriate time," so brace yourselves for some 3 a.m. Tweetstorms, America.

In related news, Lou Dobbs just tweeted a Trump accuser's address and phone number. Who are we shouting about locking up again?

26 days. 26 days. 26 days. 26 days.