Legal public nudity? Constitutionally-protected tourist tipping? If you thought these were pointless distractions left in the beach bag of our collective consciousness to be picked up next summer when the next rich white tabloid publisher feels a pang in his jaundiced loins, hoo boy were you wrong. The mayor's Times Square Public Decency Superhero Crime Squad 4th Period Homeroom Breakout Group is set to present their findings on October 1, and already a group of politicians have produced a novel solution to clean up Times Square: First Amendment Zones.

Dubbed the "Times Square Commons" plan, Manhattan Borough President Gale Brewer and Councilmembers Dan Garodnick and Corey Johnson spent all night with some Papa Johns and those big neon Rockstar drinks that make your breath feel tangy and really solved this thing!

What if the First Amendment to the Constitution applied here, in these "special activity zones," but not there, as in, the parts of Times Square where powerful, monied interests don't want it to apply?

“It’s a relatively simple resolution to some complex problems,” alliance president Tim Tompkins told The News.

What could be easier?


Mayor de Blasio told Seth Myers last night that “This is going to be an equal-opportunity enforcement situation, so Naked Cowboy and his days of naked bliss are going to change a little bit."

Man, if Mayor de Blasio can stop this human being from expressing his First Amendment rights in a manner that is mildly irritating to the hordes in the center of New York City's most popular tourist trap, what can't he do? Oh, right...