Tonight is the first presidential debate, and all across America voters will huddle over virtual bingo cards and drink shots of Jäger when they hear the phrase "job creators." Mitt Romney has spent the last few days in Denver preparing, while the President has been holed up in a deserted Las Vegas hotel. “Basically, they’re keeping me indoors all the time,” Obama told supporters on Monday. "It's a drag." Not as much of a drag as being forced to choose between a clueless venture capitalist and a stone-cold murderer. Here are six utterances that would enlighten and refreshen tonight's debate but that we will likely never hear.
"I will move to close Guantanamo Bay as soon as I am inaugurated."
We've heard (and seen) a variation of this before, but instead of reviewing the cases of the detainees and releasing them or moving them to a maximum security prison in Illinois so we can shut down this perpetual terrorist recruitment tool, the president has cowed to Republican fearmongering that the inmates will somehow Alex Mack their way out and wreak havoc. Instead of cleaning up this mess years ago we've allowed prisoners (some of whom are innocent) to be tortured or left to rot, all because we're afraid to lance this ugly boil.
The Obama administration has moved to buy the proposed Illinois prison, but Republicans are already complaining about that decision, so look for it to happen in 2056. Mitt Romney has said before he'd "double Guantanamo."
"We must stop this obscenely expensive, morally reprehensible 'War on Drugs.' "
When Obama hired former Seattle police chief Gil Kerlikowske as his "drug czar," half the nation exhaled their bong rips in relief. Finally, a man who had seen what lopsided drug sentencing had wrought (and who admitted to recreational drug use himself) would be in charge of the Free World's enforcement policy. But aside from signing the Fair Sentencing Act, the president has done little to stop this country from imprisoning its citizens at an alarming rate (most of whom are people of color—though they represent 30% of the U.S. population they represent 60% of those who are incarcerated). The United States represents just 5% of the world's population, but it holds 25% of the world's prisoners.
Obama also broke his promise to stop raiding legal medical marijuana dispensaries, cutting off medicine to the sick and incarcerating those who have obeyed state laws. Mitt Romney has said he would echo what the president is doing with regard to drug policy.
"Predator Drones cannot keep killing innocent people. That cannot happen, and it will not after my inauguration."
Just look at this.
"Global warming is a serious problem—everything is going to DIE if we don't do something about it, right now."
Global warming is advancing at a much faster clip than previously expected. It stands to poison the planet and eventually kill off all life, but hey, should we talk about it during the presidential debates? Maybe! Obama has paid mostly lip service to environmentalists and keeps dropping references to "clean coal" but refuses to meaningfully back the EPA or cap-and-trade.
As for Romney, he's receiving the bulk of the political donations from the oil industry, and though he admitted that humans were likely responsible for global warming, he also made a joke about the oceans rising. You know, that thing that will eventually kill us all.
"Instead of half-measures or empty pandering, my administration will actually pass some form of the DREAM Act and provide amnesty to those who'd like to make a better life in the United States."
Yes, Obama's executive order that stops the deportation of young, undocumented immigrants helps, but it came just as High Pandering Season rolled through, and it's also an impermanent solution. Mitt Romney confirmed today that he won't retroactively roll back the order for those who have used it, but that he will rescind it, so that we can keep on deporting the bejesus out of people.
"If you're an able-bodied human being, my administration will make it illegal for you to take a crowded elevator up a single floor. Seriously, are you that fucking lazy? It's really goddamn irritating."
We can dream, can't we?