Yesterday, a python crawled out of a man's toilet in Thailand while he was sitting on it and latched onto his penis. This horror story, an obvious sign that the patriarchy is at death's door, sounds far away, but toilet snakes are not merely confined to overseas sewage systems—much like toilet rats, they are a real threat in New York City, which is something to keep in mind each time you take a dump.

This week's victim, Attaporn Boonmakchuay spent a good 30 minutes wrestling with the snake and passed out from blood loss. “He has a really good attitude … even though his own wife and children were in shock. He’s been smiling and giving interviews all day from his bed,” a doctor told the Post. Boonmakchuay managed to keep his penis and expected to recover, making him luckier than some of his fellow snakebite victims.

Still, it could happen to you. In 2012, a man in Staten Island found a four-foot-long California Kingsnake in his toilet bowl. "I came out [of the bathroom] and closed the door and I got a broom. The snake was getting up on top of the rim, ready to strike," Allen Shepard told SI Live. Luckily, the snake snapped at Shepard's broom and not his penis, but even his plumber was freaked out at the sewer serpent. "I went to pull him out and it kept getting longer and longer," the plumber told the paper. "I was jumping back."

In 2010, a man found a 3-foot-snake sitting on the seat of his toilet in the Bronx. "Look, anytime you walk into your bathroom and find a big snake staring you in the eye, it's going to spook you," a responding officer apparently prone to understatements told the Daily News.

And in 2007, Brooklyn resident Nadege Brunacci found a 7-foot-long python in her toilet in Cobble Hill. "No one knows where it came from. It's either an escaped or released pet and it could only have gotten into her bowl via the pipes (eek!)," a source told us soon after the incident. He added, "The police weren't involved for the final removal and were dubious at the first report."

So, toilet snakes are a thing worldwide, as are toilet rats, toilet squirrels, toilet spiders, toilet possums, toilet frogs, toilet birds, toilet bats, toilet scorpions, and this turtle a man found in the toilet of a MOVIE THEATER in some unknown location. He's pretty cute:

Anyway, my apologies to your urologist.