Alert the air marshal and contact the FBI—there is a fearsome new form of terrorist upon us: toilet paper bombers. Toilet paper bomber Warren Saunders, 60, was apprehended by police for his suburban attack; he was charged with"basically a fourth-degree crime of dropping things from a plane."
This dangerous enemy made its presence known in the sleepy town of Westwood, NJ this past weekend, when three rolls of toilet paper descended onto the innocent heads of local children playing soccer. Their parents and the local police reacted completely within the bounds of reason: "We immediately contacted the Port Authority. We contacted the Bergen County Police Department, and we contacted the Bergen County Sheriff's Office, which has a Bureau of Criminal Identification to collect evidence. We also contacted the FAA at Teterboro Airport and the prosecutor's office," said hard-boiled Westwood Police Chief Frank Regino.
Investigators tracked down Saunders after a tip from one "vigilant" parent, who had overheard high schoolers planning a prank involving toilet paper for an upcoming local sporting event. Saunders said he was just trying to gauge the effect of colored streamers as a rallying gimmick. But Regino didn't buy his cock-and-bull story: "There were only three rolls dropped. They apparently got wet on the way down. One fell right on the field. Another one fell on the edge of the field near the bleachers, and the third fell near a wooded area...When you think of the alternative, it could have been a horror."