Mother Internet is bursting at the seams with Very Serious People telling you how tonight's vice presidential debate between Paul Ryan and Joe Biden will matter a great deal. Could it be "the most important VP debate ever?" Can the stakes get any higher? Will October 11, 2012 edge out the nights you lost your virginity or saw Jurassic Park for the first time as The Most Important Night of Your Life? Should you skip your 8:35 pilates class to catch the beginning of the debate? Nah. Here's why you should go about your business and leave the hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing to Andrew Sullivan.
It Probably Won't Matter
Yes, the president sucked last week, and polls will be polls, but in the words of David Hawkings, "Unless one of them says something astoundingly goofy or wrong-headed…their debate will be a one-day story that doesn’t make a meaningful number of decideds out of the undecideds or pull any of the persuadables off their precarious perches in the swing states." In D.C. parlance, "persuadables" refers to "morons." Candidates behind in the polls have aced debates, "changed the narrative," and still lost. Most people have made up their minds, and according to the research of New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza, debates create slight statistical turbulence, but things settle down afterwards. Again, this could all change if Obama admits that he used a time machine to murder the Lindbergh Baby or if Mitt Romney starts shooting milk from his eyeballs. Which brings us to the notion that...
Stupid Bullshit Has Already Hijacked The Debate
Will tonight's moderator from ABC News throw Biden softballs because Barack Obama attended her wedding…in 1991? Tucker Carlson's sparkly internet broach seems to think so, breathlessly reporting that ABC "grudgingly confirmed" that yes, Obama "along with nearly the entire [Harvard] Law Review" attended Martha Raddatz's wedding, and that the couple later divorced and have been remarried for some time now. And have you seen these pictures
from Olan Mills' Tumblr of Paul Ryan doing curls in Time Magazine? HAVE YOU? These "stories" are of vital importance to a 24-year-old living in Alexandria who has framed pictures of themselves shaking hands with Paul Begala and Karl Rove next to season 7 of 24 on Blu-ray but to everyone else, they are just utter bullshit. Bullshit breeds bullshit, which brings us to our final point…
There's A Good Chance You'll Be Physically Ill From Reading/Seeing/Hearing/Tasting This Debate By 10:24 a.m. Tomorrow Anyway
67 million people watched the first debate between the presidential candidates last week (which works out to be roughly the amount of lonely people in the U.S.—COINCIDENCE? Daily Caller, hear our cry.) The chance of your favorite news blog or website not having an efficient recap combining the juiciest parts of the action with the trenchant analysis being done by the smartest of the hyperventilating political observers is 0%. And that's merely the stuff you want to read. Think about the nauseating amount of stupid Eddie Munster/Uncle Joe gags you'll be enduring on your Twitter feed (accept no substitutes: The Onion Politics' Twitter feed will be hosting "Joe Biden" tonight. Check it periodically from the bar.) Think about your older relatives or that idiot roommate you had at Space Camp who have the power to post their opinions on Facebook. Still want to spend 90 minutes of your life immersed in it tonight?