Finally, an answer to the age-old question: why are kids so fat these days? Because...[drum roll please]...schools aren't providing enough physical education.

Gone are the days of running timed laps while your teacher rolls around in a golf cart—according to a disheartening new audit from City Comptroller John C. Liu, none of the 31 elementary schools officials visited throughout the city met the state's guidelines for physical education. On top of that, the Department of Education hasn't filed phys ed plans with the state since...1982. Some of the obstacles preventing city schools from meeting state requirements include schools not physically having gyms, or not being able to afford a gym teacher.

“We know we have more work to do in this area,” a DOE spokeswoman told the Times. “...The comptroller’s recommendations coincide with our ongoing efforts to improve the quality of physical education instruction in our schools." Simple solution: more Beyonce.