Hundreds of millions of Americans may be shivering in their diapers due to the big, scary Polar Vortex that's swept down from the Kingdom of the North, but for New Yorkers accustomed to crawling over jagged mountains of shattered skulls to get to the subway every morning, it's just another day in paradise. The temperature is currently a balmy 5 degrees Fahrenheit, so to cool off you'll want to get as close to the river as possible, where refreshing wind chills make it feel like 16 below. It's good to be alive!

Delicate flowers like the mayor of Indianapolis have urged local businesses to close due to the Polar Vortex—"In 10 minutes you could be dead," the mayor warned (or was that a THREAT?)—but it's business as usual here in the Capital of the World, where there's simply too much Important Work to be done to just shut everything down and hide under the covers clutching hot water bottles like frightened children. This morning's record low of 5 degrees in Central Park beat a 118-year record for January 7th set in 1896, and to celebrate New Yorkers will gather at the top of Belvedere Castle tonight to douse each other in champagne and then go skinny dipping in the reservoir.

After today's invigorating little reminder that our great city doesn't bend to Nature's fickle vicissitudes, temperatures will rise into the low 20s tomorrow and into the 30s on Thursday. Some forecasts predicts highs in the 40s by Friday. In 72 days, it will be Spring, and the next thing you know we'll be squeezed in the stinking hot armpit of summer. That's when life in this town really becomes unbearable and we elevate bitching to an art form. For now, NYC says unto you, Polar Vortex: Bring it ON.

(N.B.: The Office of Emergency Management is warning that "infants, seniors, those w/ chronic diseases & substance abuse problems are more prone to hypothermia. Check on family, friends & neighbors." You should do that. This is no joke. I'm actually writing this in bed wearing a Snuggie and haven't been outside in two days. Will someone come bring me a red wine hot chocolate? I ate all the Christmas cookies despite pitiful attempts to ration myself, and this is just me trying to keep a stiff upper lip. HOLD ME.)