Preemptively stifle the pangs of jealousy you might feel clicking through NY Mag's seven-photo slideshow of the $85 million, 5-bedroom apartment at 15 Central Park West. Yes, the views are stunning, and the marble is probably imported, but the stately beige walls belie a sad utilitarian soul. No one actually lives in this place, they just use it until they shuffle into a shinier representation of their temporal worth; as the ancient proverb goes, "A hermit crab who changes shells twice in a fortnight probably has a life coach."

The 5,800 square-foot apartment has lots of closet space for your jars of tepid urine, and plenty of corners for you to sit in and drink scotch and mutter while your progenitors squander your fortune. You can also rent the apartment for just $125,000/month, but you'll probably need someone to co-sign for you.