The NYC Department of Health has released the most popular baby names in 2014 so you'll know exactly who to curse when your job is stolen by a young upstart and/or hybrid cyborg in 20 years or so.

The most popular name for girls was Sophia, likely thanks to all those Golden Girls marathons on Hallmark and Oxygen. For boys, Ethan took top spot, because actor-authors who leave their wives for the nanny are America's top role models. These poor children will now have to spend the rest of their formative years going by Sophia G. or Ethan A., and god forbid they have a popular last name like "Edwards" or "Smith," because that's how people end up with someone else's lunch or wrongfully imprisoned.

Other children who have potentially screamed in your ear at Spritzenhaus include Isabella, Jacob, Olivia, Liam, Mia, Jayden, Emma, and Noah, all of which made the top five this year. Congratulations on your special snowflakes, uncreative breeders! Now peruse this breakdown by race.

Ladies:


Gents:


The Health Department adds that city parents spawned a total 122,084 children in 2014, up from 120,457 the year prior—there were 62,337 boys born and 59,474 girls, all of whom will shove into you on the 4,5 trains some day. Brooklyn, the borough in which Park Slope is located, saw the most births, gaining 41,190 new babies last year. Queens followed behind at 26,937, followed by The Bronx (20,032) and Manhattan (18,143).

Only 5,255 babies were born in Staten Island, but they will grow up to fiercely defend their borough no matter how far it is from a normal subway station.

There were also a number of unhinged parents who named their children things like Khaleesi, Arya, and Leia, in case you need to tell your own offspring who to kick on the playground.