Federal officials are upping their warnings to citizens about hundreds of wild boars roaming through central NY, attacking livestock, killing pets, chasing people and posing "devastating consequences" for the area. Officials who have unsuccessfully been trying to track the boars, who they believe escaped from game farms, for years now say there is evidence that they've been breeding at an accelerated pace. But even scarier? The boars are practically invulnerable to our puny weapons!

"We've shot them right square in the head and the bullet will glance off and they'll get up and go. Their skulls are so thick in the front, if you don't happen to hit it at a perfect 90 degrees, with the way their heads have that kind of curved shape, the bullet will glance right off," said Peter Andersen, a third generation farmer in Long Eddy in Sullivan County. They not only have armor for skin—some who have been trapped or shot have tested positive for the pseudorabies virus, or PRV.

And according to a USDA report, they will only get stronger, and continue to spread around the state: In the absence of aggressive professional management, these populations will likely continue their expansion and become entrenched in New York State with potentially devastating consequences to natural resources, agriculture, and human health and safety." So if our cousins up north can't combat the wild boars, what chance do latte-swilling urban dwellers possible have? In Texas, you can shoot feral hogs from a helicopter with automatic weapons, but where's the romance in that? There's only one person with the experience, expertise, and nicknaming-abilities to help us now: