We've all become so enraptured with Occupy Wall Street and Beyonce's baby bump conspiracy that we've lost track of the most important non-news story of the year: our impending doom! But fresh off a stroke, debunked doomsday prognosticator Harold Camping is back to remind us that Judgment Day 2011: I Know What You Raptured Last Spring is only nine days away on October 21st. Since there are no billboards or Rapture mobiles to guide us this time, let's get all the lowdown straight from the Rapturologist's mouth.
First off, you might be wondering: why didn't all the heathens burst into flames on May 21, the original date of the Rapture which Camping had predicted (based on a nonsensical mathematical interpretation of the Bible)? Why, even Camping was "flabbergasted" when true believes (ie, people who donated hefty funds to Camping's cause) weren't airlifted to heaven. But there's a reason for all those mistaken predictions: God prefers to be cryptic before he annihilates humanity.
What really happened this past May 21st? What really happened is that God accomplished exactly what He wanted to happen. That was to warn the whole world that on May 21 God's salvation program would be finished on that day. For the next five months, except for the elect (the true believers), the whole world is under God's final judgment. To accomplish this goal God withheld from the true believers the way in which two phrases were to be understood. Had He not done so, the world would never have been shaken in fear as it was.
Oh, and let's not forget: God is kind of winging this whole thing as he goes along. He's still developing the details for us! Kind of like how Camping keeps developing new, bold ways to try to sucker in sad, lonely people until they leave him all their savings:
I do believe that we're getting very near the very end. We [could not] have known… we've learned that there's a lot of things that we didn't have quite right and that's God's good provision. If he had not kept us from knowing everything that we didn't know, we would not have been able to be used of Him to bring about the tremendous event that occurred on May 21 of this year, and which probably will be finished out on October 21, that's coming very shortly. That looks like it will be at this point, it looks like it will be the final end of everything. It also looks like that as God is developing the details for us we are learning from the Bible, God's details of the end.
But here's some good news for all you sinners out there—meaning anyone reading Gothamist: there won't be any pain when we all cease to exist, only the sweet, cold embrace of bullshit.
We must believe that probably there will be no pain suffered by anyone because of their rebellion against God. This is very comforting to all of us, because we all have children, and have loved ones that are dear to us that we know are not saved; and yet we know that they'll quietly die. We can be more and more sure that they will quietly die and that will be the end of their story...I really am beginning to think as I restudied these matters that there's going to be no big display of any kind. The end is going to come very, very quietly probably within the next month. It will happen, that is, by October 21.
So there's absolutely, positively no way that doomsday won't happen this time. And even if, somehow, the Rapture passed us over again—like the kid with lice in a game of duck-duck-goose—there's always the even-more terrifying specter of a Facebook Rapture right around the corner.