Stephen Colbert was the keynote speaker at the 68th annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation charity dinner last night at the Waldorf Astoria—and he spent the full 14 minutes of his speech zinging NYC's rich and powerful. And that motley crew included Christine Quinn, Ray Kelly, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Governor Andrew Cuomo, and of course, diminutive Mayor Bloomberg: “In all seriousness, tonight is really about the littlest among us,” said Colbert. “Speaking of which, is Mayor Bloomberg here? Mayor Bloomberg can you stand on your chair or something? Or wave something, sir?"
Here were some of the highlights:
Dolan: “I have great respect for Cardinal Dolan, though I do have to say sir, it is not easy when you’re wearing that outfit. In that cape and red sash, you look like a matador who’s really let himself go,” he said to Dolan, who was among dozens seated on stage. “Did you not see the invite?” he added. “It said ‘black tie’ - not ‘flamboyant Zorro.’”
Quinn: Future mayor of New York City Christine Quinn is with us tonight. I’m sorry, I wrote that a long time ago. I apologize. Is she here? She’s not here. I thought she was a shoo-in, I really did. I mean, New York City is the only place in the world where the lesbian candidate was too conservative.”
Cuomo: "[It's] an honor to be here on the stage with you. I didn’t know how you could possibly tear yourself away from the excitement that is Albany on a Thursday evening. I believe it’s all-you-can-eat iceberg lettuce night at the Sizzler.”
Kelly: “Are you alone tonight or did you bring the whole biker gang?" [The crowd audibly cringed] "I’m in trouble…I gotta change my door locks.”
Bloomberg: "You’re a wonderful mayor, sir. You’re very patient, very patient with such jokes, very patient man, and also very tiny, very tiny man. The real reason he doesn’t want drink cups larger than 16 ounces is because he’s afraid he might drown in one.”
Video of the event, which raised $3 million for childrens’ charity, isn't online yet. In the meantime, go ahead and watch five minutes of Colbert breaking character on his show below.