No matter how many times they've bellyflopped in public, corporations keep clinging to the notion that people NEED to #engage with their brands on every national occasion, whether it's the anniversary of 9/11 or today, Earth Day. Does anyone really need to know what Glock thinks about Earth Day? Does anyone really want to know?

As the Times points out, Earth Day has become synonymous with a particularly naked form of corporate strategizing, one that seeks to dress up a particularly vampiric form of capitalism in the language of activism:

But to many fashion people, it mostly means an inbox clogged with emails trumpeting “green is the new black,” and celebrating “100 percent vegan handbags, backpacks and clutches,” or “10 percent eco-friendly dyes and materials,” or other such initiatives demonstrating the industry’s environmental awareness and progress — as embodied by stuff you can buy.

We know brands are people too, but you'd think people would know better by now. Below, behold how brands have tried to make Earth Day all about them.

This is just terrifying. Is the implication here that Earth Day should be celebrated by cleansing the Earth of humans? Actually, that would be for the best.

Several miss the point. Unless the point is to get 22% off at Zazzle, or for Budweiser to rebrand their bottles.

Or are just sad.

Some are cutesy without actually being cute.

Some are boisterous in their self-promoting.

Some are known liars.

Others think it is sufficient to put some sort of weird photo of nature and call it a day.

IHOP is apparently on mushrooms.

But let's get to the heart of what Earth Day is all about: promotions!

The most important promotion: 15% off your next rave.

Don't forget about Sports!

Just remember, this is all about perception—like the fact that Earth Day happens to fall during NascarGreen Week. Chicken and egg scenario, right?