What a difference a day makes! Just yesterday we were happily splashing about like euphoric sea lions in the city's myriad slush ponds, which materialized on every street corner like a billion Brigadoons (Manhattan, we learned, is derived from the Lenape word "Mannahatta," which translates to "Land of the Sky Black Slush Waters"). And today, New Yorkers awoke to find that those seemingly bottomless onyx lagoons have been magically transformed to frozen ice skating rinks! Here's an artist's rendering of the scene:
Yay, a FREE skating rink on every corner, plus extra sexy black ice on the sidewalks—so lace up your skates and get out there! Don't have skates? That's sad! If you can't afford to rent a pair, you are going to want to tread very, very slowly and methodically, because it is hip-shatteringly slippery out there. Keep your center of gravity on your front leg and take short steps, like a penguin! Today belongs to the penguins, and the personal injury lawyers.
Seriously—the National Weather Service has issued an advisory: "...WIDESPREAD BLACK ICE THROUGH THE MORNING RUSH..." That caps lock is scary enough, but those ellipses are what really puts us on edge. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??? Oh right, more snow.
"The upcoming storm could be the most intense, and correspondingly the most disruptive, of the recent barrage especially as the storm nears and moves along the Atlantic coast," reports AccuWeather's Alex Sosnowski, an Expert Senior Meteorologist who can fuck right off.