Some surefire signs of summer include: excess mucus, sidewalk roaches, back sweat, other people's back sweat, sunburn, late-night Googling "Is this mole weird?" and the threat of A/C-related electrical fires and/or crushing death. But the best indication that summer's arrived is the return of Mary Lee, our friendly local Great White Shark—and indeed, she may pay New Jersey a visit this weekend.

Like my grandparents, Mary Lee winters down south, though unlike Nana and Poppop she has never bothered to bring me a damn thing from Fresh Produce or send oranges. But the folks at OCEARCH, who stuck a tracking device on Mary Lee years ago, say the Atlantic's loveliest Carcharodon carcharias pinged off the coast of Virginia recently, and she's probably headed to the Jersey Shore for Memorial Day weekend.

Please note that though you should definitely let Mary Lee swim at her leisure if you spot her, she will probably not eat you, no matter how staunchly a sexist former surfer believes she's attracted to your menstrual blood.