An idiotic survey by Travel & Leisure claims that New York City is the #2 rudest city in America, second only to Los Angeles. That LA is considered numero uno in incivility makes sense—there are countless self-serving jackasses over there—but anybody who's ever visited NYC know the old stereotype of the boorish, inconsiderate New Yorker is just a canard perpetuated by those Hollywood scumbags. Stop and ask a New Yorker for directions and others will immediately gather, competing to guide you. Fall onto the subway tracks and New Yorkers will risk their lives to save you. Hell, even our bank robbers are polite! So how did this stupid survey rank us so high on the rude list? Oh, wait it didn't—it's just the schmuck who wrote the dumbass Travel & Leisure article misrepresenting the survey.

What the survey actually asked people to do was rank how "friendly" a city is. Which is a horse of a very different color—though the result is still utter manure. You see, when Katrina Brown Hunt wrote her vapid article accompanying the survey, she decided that not being friendly is the same thing as being rude. As New Yorkers, we would like to politely ask Hunt to go play in traffic: just because we don't always make friends with the tourists doesn't mean we're rude. It means we're busy! And maybe we have enough damn friends.

We can only assume the tourists who considered us so incredibly cold and unfriendly are a bunch of hayseeds who can't get over how we don't smile or say hi to each and every person we pass on the street, like y'all do in Charleston, South Carolina—supposedly the #1 friendliest city. But if we behaved like that here, the important business of this city of 8 million people would grind to a laryngitic halt. Also, we're probably on our phones and can't be bothered. So stop taking it so personally, tourists! And stay in your lane (please)!

And another thing about this bullshit survey: It ranks Charleston, again, as #1 in the category of most attractive people. NYC comes in 13th, behind those famously winsome inhabitants of Denver, San Diego, and, um, Salt Lake City. Yes, SALT LAKE CITY. The survey even says Phoenix/Scottsdale has hotter citizens!? It's all enough to make a person question his faith in the media's wholly unscientific puff polls. Nevertheless, we still wear the Reader's Digest crown for the most polite city in America. Suck it, Charleston.