More than 285 people across the country have been diagnosed with a gnarly-sounding stomach bug, and now it's heading for the Tri-State area!

Two people in New Jersey and Connecticut have been found to have cyclosporiasis, which, translated into English, means "prepare to spend a lot of time white-knuckling your toilet, bro." From the CDC:

Cyclospora infects the small intestine (bowel) and usually causes watery diarrhea, with frequent, sometimes explosive, bowel movements. Other common symptoms include loss of appetite, weight loss, stomach cramps/pain, bloating, increased gas, nausea, and fatigue. Vomiting, body aches, headache, fever, and other flu-like symptoms may be noted.

And how! Eighteen people have already been hospitalized. Unfortunately, the bug's culprit, which in the past has been fresh produce "contaminated with feces," has not been "implicated," which makes it sound as though there's a poop-covered tomato running around the streets, menacing innocents with the threat of crippling—neh, explosive—diarrhea.

Luckily for us in New York, fecal matter doesn't get on anything here, not one thing, so we're probably safe.