If you woke up this morning with a vague sense of emptiness, as if the air tasted a little less sweet, and your slippers were just not as soft as they used to be, the reason is probably that former governor and current bass guitar melter-of-faces Mike Huckabee will not be running for president.

According to the Washington Post, in a sentence that we in no way fabricated for comedic effect, "the announcement…was preceded by an appearance by Mario Lopez—of "Saved by the Bell" fame—as well as musician Ted Nugent." In the end, Huckabee said "all the factors say go, but my heart says no," and when you have a heart full of squirrel flesh, it acts as a sort of truth serum. This makes his pro bono appearances for Fox News all the more laudable.

Sure, the fact that Huckabee isn't running should be a boon for all the potential Republican candidates, who rushed to make statements "congratulating" Huckabee on his decision. But who ARE these candidates? Missile-loving mustache John Bolton, screeching creepy-stare-guru Michele Bachmann, Yawn-Machine Tim Pawlenty, Obama's "BFF" Jon Huntsman, Mormon Milquetoast Robot Mitt Romney, and…Sarah Palin! (We told our AA sponsor that we wouldn't be typing the name that rhymes with "modeled rump" for awhile and we're sticking to it).

You can listen to Huck explain the decision below, but you'll have to supply your own box of tissues.