What qualifies as a "crime wave" these days? Increased grand larceny on the subway? A spike in shootings? According to the Post, cutting power lines, stealing electrical wire and a "suspicious boardwalk fire" add up to a "cyclone of crime" in Coney Island. Never mind the real atrocity: that Nathan's on the boardwalk doesn't offer raw, diced onion on their hot dogs.

"Saboteurs" allegedly cut power lines and wires under the Stillwell Avenue bathroom facility on November 18, in what was no doubt and act protesting their rationing of toilet paper last summer or an effort to prevent this man from being able to videotape his exploits. On the 16th, thieves stole 30 feet of copper wire from a utility room on West 5th Street, and prior to that secured gates and locks have been cut at several lifeguard stations, with one on West 33rd street catching fire. It took 60 firefighters to extinguish the flames, and fire marshals are investigating it as an arson.

The Parks Department says it's working with the NYPD to improve security in the area, but if they're looking for an individual with an axe to grind, they could start with that guy we caught puking on the Cyclone in September. It doesn't even go upside down.