The NY Times has cracked the mystery regarding Mayor Bloomberg's whereabouts during the Christmas weekend blizzard. Although the Mayor has steadfastly refused to answer questions about his "private" time, the Paper of Record seems to have pretty definitive evidence about the main guy's location—and the answer will shock you about as much as the identity of Luke Skywalker's father or the gender of The Crying Game guy. In other words, sources say Bloomberg was in Bermuda, which isn't nearly as surprising as the fact that it's 2011 and we're still using The Crying Game for our rote plot twist references. But why won't Bloomberg just admit what everyone already knows?

The Mayor disappeared from the public eye after a Mass on December 24th at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and didn't resurface until meeting the press on the afternoon of December 26th, when he said the city was doing a heck of a job dealing with the snow and everyone should go see a Broadway show. It was more than 24 hours after the National Weather Service issued a blizzard warning for New York. But in Bermuda, where Bloomberg has a beachfront mansion, the temperature was 69 degrees and "gorgeous." Nevertheless, sources say our selfless leader tore himself away from paradise, and one of his private jets took off from the island around midday on the 26th.

Bloomberg and his staff have refused to confirm or deny that he was in Bermuda, insisting that such information is private. But now that he admits his administration seriously erred in not declaring a snow emergency, his whereabouts that weekend should be seen in a different light. In other words, he was definitely on the clock, whether he likes it or not. It sucks having your weekend in Bermuda ruined, but if Bloomberg ever wants to grow up to be President, he needs to get used to it. He should have just owned it (like he owns everything else) and simply told reporters, "Hey ya'all, just got back from Bermuda, which is exactly where all you disgraceful slobs would be if you had my kind of money. Anyway, what did I miss? Some snow fell from the sky? I guess that's my fault, huh. Well, screw the plows. 10% of your are unemployed, and I've got billions of dollars. Anybody with a shovel want to make a few bucks?" Corey Booker and a cast of thousands would have had the streets cleared in no time.