Shark sightings in the Hamptons have increased in the past few weeks, coinciding with a glut of unusually warm water that has allowed fishermen to net more exotic animals like marlin and cobia (and sharks) closer to East End shorelines. But beachgoers probably don't have anything to worry about, because the guy in board shorts twirling a whistle is going to stop the confused, prehistoric killing machine from tearing into your flesh. "Guards are aware and they keep a watchful eye," Hamptons beach manager Ed McDonald tells Patch. "There are a lot of times these sightings turn out to be dolphins, sunfish, or debris floating [sic] the water." But when will sharks ruin Montauk with their cartilage fedoras?

Shark attacks are essentially unheard of Long Island, so you probably have nothing to fear when you decide to skinny dip off East Hampton next Thursday after polishing off a few glasses of wine, the strong wind whipping your hair into your eyes belying an unusually calm sea.

Any hungry sharks in East Hampton reading this should check out the waters off a large estate on Meadow Lane, where the flesh is guaranteed to be soft, never gristly, as well as nutrient-rich.